Emotional Physical Therapy vs. Emotional Surgery
“So, why did you get divorced?”
I’m discovering that this question comes quickly among post-divorced singles. It’s an interesting way to start a conversation and makes me smile inside because of the audacity yet truth of it, akin to asking “Nice to meet you; so, tell me about the most painful experiences in your life!”
So, what is the answer?
It’s so easy to start hopping up and down, gesticulating, “it’s all her/his fault!” Heck, isn’t it obvious that it really IS her fault, not mine in the least! Yet, if you didn’t detect the irony in that last sentence (this sentence being a little CYA on my part :-), then I will seek to be more direct: speaking from my own experience, and for myself alone, it’s easy to blame but it doesn’t help much, and once I’ve finished venting about the wrongs done to me, I need to look at myself, who I can change, and reflect on the better answer that is actually a question: “Taking ownership, have I learned and changed, and am I willing to not replicate the pain that I, even if not generated, certainly allowed?”
I can’t change the past; I wish it hadn’t ended in divorce; but I can can control myself and change the future.
And, how do I want to “change” my future?
Do I want surgery? (“Please just cut the problem out of my life me, and now that my ex has been removed, I am healed!”) Or do I want emotional physical therapy? (“How can I strengthen emotional muscles—which can hurt to use—to stabilize myself, my children, my future relationship, and my relationship with God?”)
I’m all for physical therapy. (Though, surgery, of the lobotomy kind, would be nice!)
So, why did I get divorced? what have I learned and how am I bettering myself, my kids, my future relationships, my relationship with God?
That’s the question I want to ask, and to answer.
OLD VERSION, before editing…
I want emotional physical therapy, not surgery.
“So, why did you get divorced?” I’m discovering that this seems to be an early question to ask among post-divorced singles. It’s an interesting way to start a conversation and makes me smile inside because of the audacity yet truth of it, akin to asking “So, tell me about the most painful experiences in your life; oh, and it’s nice to meet you,”—just a little bit different than the much-younger-dating-scene question, “So, do you come here often?”
So, what is the answer? It’s so easy to start hopping up and down, gesticulating, “it’s all her/his fault!” The temptation is strong. Heck, isn’t it obvious that it really IS her fault, not mine in the least! Yet, if you didn’t detect the irony in that last sentence (this sentence being a little CYA on my part :-), then I will seek to be more direct: speaking from my own experience, once I’ve finished venting about the wrongs done to me, I need to then reflect on the better answer that is actually a question: "How have I learned and changed, and am I just a victim (though there is always some elements of truly deserved victimization involved), or am I someone who wants to never replicate previous pain—at least condoned or accepted, if not generated—by my own self?
Do I want surgery? (“Please just cut the problem out of my life since it was thrust upon me, and now that my ex has been removed, I am healed!”)
Or do I want emotional physical therapy? (“How can I learn to use strengths I never knew I had, to grown, stabilize, and become healthy, taking ownership for my flaws and failings, so that as a stronger person I can not debilitate myself again, avoiding ever being laid up, groaning, in bed with the inability to move?”)
I’m all for physical therapy. (Though, surgery, of the lobotomy kind, would be nice!)
So, why did I get divorced? what have I learned and how am I bettering myself, my kids, my future relationships, my relationship with God?